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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Saruman of the Many Colors' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
8:55 pm
Production on my Sharky Snack Products has been halted. That mincing fop Aragorn stopped fucking his household long enough to place wildlife protections on Hobbits.

So, sadly, I am bankrupt.

Can anyone spare a dime?
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
9:39 pm
Yes, now at last my patience is to be rewarded. My foes and I have struggled against each other for time untold, but now the advantage will at last be mine...

Witch King, first servant of the dark lord, Nazgul...

Do you have...any threes?
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
11:05 am
Dear Dos Rondos,

My heart has been sundered, my dreams are vanquished...I find there is no light or joy in a world without you. I am therefore making my way slowly to Orthanc, there to throw myself from it's highest point in despair.

Your very abandoned,


Current Mood: crushed
Saturday, May 10th, 2003
12:02 am
Not good news
Well, I was flipping through the latest issue of Evil Monthly and I was glancing at the top 10 most Fashionable Fascists, expecting to see my name top the list for the 10,000th time.

And to my chagrin and dismay, I discover my customary place has been usurped by some goose-stepping fool from the land of the Horse Lords.

"Erkenbrand, with his stylish black uniform with silver trim and well-polished boots represents the Now-Evil, the Modern-Evil. When he steps onto the field to commit whole-sale slaughter and genocide, heads turn. No doubt, Fascist Fashions has turned out a winning combination here."

This. Cannot. Be. Tolerated.

I need to have a smoothie and think over things.

Current Mood: angry
Thursday, April 24th, 2003
9:26 pm
Oh by all that is somewhat unpleasant and vaguely distasteful
So, apparently, I am needed. Apparently Elrohir has disappointed his father and needs to be banished to my school.

Any other unruly children out there that need to be scared into obedience?

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
3:46 pm
So, on the way through Dunlendland, Denethor was eaten
Yes. Very tragic.

The Fellowship is broken. Aragorn has gone off to destroy the One Remote with only the imbecile to aid him. I predict it shall all end in laughs tears.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
11:23 am
Another day, another gold piece
Well, thanks to my sweet lembas waifer and his gift of a bit of unused land, I have been able to pursue my evil enterprises without interruption.

The paper mill is going along fine. Though the forests surrounding Imladris are looking a little thin. I'll need to send my orcs off to the Fangorn, perhaps. Or maybe Mirkwood.

Through the judicious use of cloning technology, my Halfling Smoothie and Hobbit Jerky production has recovered and sales are better than ever.

The glue factory is also doing well. Fortunately, those Rohan horses keep straying to where we can lasso them. "Sarry's Stickiness" has been rated #1 Epoxy by "Home and Garden." I'm so proud

I think I will look into rubber and plastics, next.

Current Mood: accomplished
Monday, January 13th, 2003
9:12 am
What a terrible thing to wake to
This cannot be. It is a worse betrayal than even that of Grima, for it is a betrayal of the heart.

I never thought I would find myself saying these words, but, Elrond...do I not also have your love?

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, December 25th, 2002
10:29 am
well well...well...
So, I return to Rivendell to see about starting up my paper mills again, to discuss terms with that retarded excuse for a son of Elrond...and I find the Last Homely House empty.

*sniffs disdainfully*

Rather a messy place. I'd swear that's the smell of a half-rotted turkey hoagie coming from the vicinity of the couch.

Well...I suppose I can always relax in the recliner, watch "Battlebots" on the big screen TV and wait for someone to show up.

Oh, were you lot expecting a Christmas wish? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Grima is a milksop

Current Mood: bored
Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
11:54 am
Back from the Void for a moment
My very special Thanksgiving Dinner (I know I shouldn't, but boredom is compromising my judgment.)

There is a quaint little custom in a strange place called America to have a grand feast in gratitude for something or other. I have decided to host a small group at Orthanc in honor of this tradition.

The guest list, thus far:
and most especially My Lady

If you wish to attend, do but drop me a line.

The menu consists of:

Mashed elf in dwarf gravy
Roast Bolger with Took Giblet Stuffing
Bracegirdle-meal cornbread
Shire Greens spiced with elf ears
Chubberry Sauce
Whipped Cotton Pie

And, of course, Smoothies for all.

*goes to supervise kitchen staff*

Current Mood: content
Friday, October 25th, 2002
9:28 am
I am the man, as they say
Sharkey's Snack Shack is proud to announce record sales for its opening day. I guess I finally tapped into a market people were thirsting for.

I am pleased to present our newest flavor of smoothie, "Cotton Candy"

The first sample needed a little sobering up to prevent a souring of the flavor, but otherwise he worked out rather well.

Now I need to see what I can do with a pair of Boffins.

Current Mood: busy
Thursday, October 24th, 2002
10:50 am
There is no stopping me now
The first Sharkey's Snack Shack is opening today in Dol Amroth - the choice of location was simply one of economics. Without any present leadership, the city has fallen mostly into anarchy so property is cheap.

The following "smoothie" drinks can be purchased there:

"Bracegirdle Berry"

"Tangy Took"

"Perfect Proudfoot Peach"

"Bolger Super Sour"

"Rich Chocolate Chubb"


You can also enjoy any of our line of Hobbit Jerkys; teriyaki, ultra-spicy, hot-pepper and barbecue.

Come and enjoy our tasty treats.

Current Mood: pleased
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
3:25 pm
Business is business
Well, aside from a minor protest, my new paper business is going quite well.

My next venture is going to be a chain of health-juice/smoothy stands called "Sharkey's Awesome Flavors."

I'm currently experimenting with different ingredients. So far, I've found Hobbits make a good base juice. I picked up a few dozen Proudfoots and Bracegirdles when I was in the Shire and I've been running them through the juicer and mixing them with various fruit and vegetable juices.

I'm thinking of seeing how much juice one can get from an elf. I think a line of elf-juice energy drinks might be quite profitable.

Percival the Evil Bonzai Ent keeps suggesting I mulch some Ents and use the juices for my drinks and the wood for my mills, but I learned last time how inconvenient it is to upset walking trees.

Current Mood: accomplished
Friday, October 18th, 2002
9:07 am
You booted me in the head!
Very well. Just for that, I'm going to subvert and corrupt your little bonzai ent.

Yes, after speaking with the little shrubbery, I found we shared an essential dislike for your smell. Therefore, he has offered to join me, to be my Mini-Maia of Evil.

He's currently assisting me in the design of a better wood chipper.

Current Mood: annoyed
Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
2:10 pm
Now, where was I?
Oh yes, destroying the Shire.

Some of you might be wondering where I have been for the last several days. That's too bad, because I've no intention of telling you.

Well, things have not been at all easy. There have been fights with the locals, legal battles, labor disputes and a plethora of other sublime and absurd events which I haven't the time or the interest in linking to (nor I'm sure do you particularly care).

So, as to my dwarves...I had them liquidated for their insolence. My patience are not limitless, after all. Aule, I do appreciate the offer, but well really...8-hour work days? Paid leave? What madness did you fill their heads with?

Anyway, between the profits from my ventures in the Shire and the revenues from my off-shore oil operations (Right near the Gray Havens...did I forget to mention?) I have enough to purchase some out of the way property in an unused portion of the world called Rivendell.

It's been such a pleasure doing business with you.

Current Mood: accomplished
Thursday, October 10th, 2002
10:35 am
Some days being evil is extremely trying
Well, these Hobbits are a sight more trouble than I recall them being. Someone must have convinced them they had significance or some other equally strange fancy. In any case, they have been less than welcoming,

At the risk of sound like a Monty Python comic routine, my factories have developed the displeasing tendency of falling over and sinking into the swamp ground.

I have come to the conclusion that this over-powered lawn gnome is to blame.

I shall not allow such twinking tactics to stop the wheels of progress.

On the positive side, my old master is pleased with my efforts and sent large force of workers to aid my cause.

Unfortunately, they devoured all of my orcs - at least all the ones I had with me, but that was a small price to pay for the amount of work they accomplished in a single night.

It is amazing what a difference Energizer batteries can make.

Safely away from the Shire and its saboteurs, they constructed vast hover-platforms, and upon these they built the coal processing plant, the glue factory and a steel mill. Then they moved them back to the Shire, where they now hover over my lands, safely out of reach of Bombadil.

I apologize for the unbelievable noise caused by those hover-engines, but I will remind you I was pushed to it.

My lawyers are currently negotiating the possibility of selling these lands back to the Shire, but I am not sure we can reach an agreement that will be more profitable than my factory projects.

Oh, and the brownstones were built as well. Renters may now apply.

Current Mood: irritated
Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
9:12 am
Progress always comes with a price
Work continues, despite set-backs and interference. It is clear that some fail to see I am building a better tomorrow.

To side-step certain laws of questionable legitimacy, as well as to discourage the uninspired plot-killing unexpected involvement of strange powers I have taken the simple step of filing the paperwork to make the lands under my ownership a free and independent state.

Now, I realize this amounts to a reduction of the Shire's overall size by approximately twenty-percent, but business is business. The future cannot be stopped. Fortunately, Merry Gamgee set a precedent that I was able to use to make this change.

Now, there was an ugly incident where five halflings laid down in front of a bull-dozer in a futile effort to block me from doing what I wish on my land. They ignored repeated demands to depart.

So they were, how shall I say...? Flattened.

I do hope there will be will not be any further encounters like that.

Current Mood: annoyed
Monday, October 7th, 2002
11:45 am
Lawyers have their uses
I have been informed by my attorneys that much of the property I purchased during my ill-advised venture into Shire tyranny is still under my name and leaking equity. It appears I must do something with the land or soon it will be worth little more than the grass growing on it.

So I will be traveling to the Shire to meet with a development group. We intend to put in a rubber factory, a coal processing plant, an oil refinery and several brownstones to provide low-income housing and promote rampant drug-use that we can then profit from.

Also, since the land around the river Isen is still in my name and is serving no useful purpose, I have decided to build a glue factory and a dog-food processing facility in a generous attempt to aid in disposing of the mess from the recent equine/human war.

I'm also adding a toll booth to the Gap of Rohan.

*locks up the tower and heads out*

Current Mood: working
Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
12:02 pm
In which Saruman demonstrates he is not the light and fluffy sort of evil
I do not consider myself unnecessarily cruel, but I can be brutally stern when it comes to enforcing my rule. The orcs under my command follow me out of fear of my retribution, as well it should be.

You cannot achieve fascism order unless you are willing to be as cold and unfeeling as the mountains.

When a slave breaks the rules, as happened here yesterday, punishment must come swiftly. If it does not, then rebellion will spread like a cancer. Ere long, the problem would be insurmountable.

I gave the lad as severe a beating as he could take and then shackled him to a sewage grate in the main orc barracks so that he would have time to ponder the error of his ways and formulate a sincere and eloquent apology for his misbehavior.

I doubt he will make the mistake of using my computers ever again. From the screams that echoed from that room, as a matter of fact, I doubt he'll be ambulatory for the rest of the day.

Oh, and I have a new lackey. I haven given her a small challenge to begin with. She has to wash the blood out of my robes without causing the colors to fade.

Current Mood: pleased
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
8:35 am
When you need work done fast, there's no one better than a team of orcs fearing for their lives
I was wearying of the view there near the Isen. The Gap of Rohan is a dull place, really, and few enough travelers pass through it, providing an opportunity to have them waylaid and tortured to death, to make it worth my remaining there.

I have had my servants laboriously dismantle Isengard, transport it via wagon and then reassemble it with meticulous care in a safer location.

Currently, I have this one locked in a small iron cage. He did not seem to be hungry enough to enjoy the moldy bread and filthy water I provided him, but I'm sure he will be begging for such treats ere long.

To keep him entertained, I have given him some dogs to play with. Well, I suppose the dogs are actually wargs and their interpretation of the word "play" is to circle his cage and snarl and bark at him.

The other one has been scrubbing my floors like the slave he is.

*kicks boy solidly in the ribs*

I do so love the sounds of hurt and frightened children.

Current Mood: accomplished
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